CHARACTERS
NED
COPS
SANTAS
MOTHERS
CRITICS
RELIGIOUS FIGURES
PRODUCTION NOTE
This play can be performed by five actors or fifty-seven actors, with or without the settings called for, with or without the scene titles being projected imposingly on the back wall, and with or without kidnapping and/or killing several of the audience members.
Copyright© 2006 Eric Meyer. All rights reserved.
1. HAPPY GODDAMN HOLIDAYS
NED:
tinsle
candy
teddy
kitten
train
truck
socks
suckers
a watch
warm woolen mittens…
etc. this goes on. find a public (blogged?) x-mas list and use it
...socks again
barbie
ken
AK47
Happy Goddamn Holidays.
Get Your Goddamn War On.
lights up to reveal santa dead on the ground and ned with a rifle going through his sack of goodies. lights out.
2. THE FUZZ
sirens. lights. dead santa. cops.
A:
goddamn.
B:
another?
is there an indigent scavanging off the body? if so:
A:
scram. shoo. off.
if not:
bastards got a black heart.
B:
someone’s getting coal this year.
they drag him off. lights.
3. SAND NIGGERS
santas. 50-100. more than three. divide the lines as necessary. the war room. maps and action figures. these things are said:
niggers
spics
fags
kikes
dykes
jews
anti-fucking semites
SAND niggers
towel heads
gay fucking liberals
godless treehuggers
red skin savages
ted kennedy
pause
bono
osama. bin. laden.
japs
kooks
joseph libermen
hillary rodham clinton
jerry springer
al. fucking. franken.
howard stern
howard dean
winona laduke
winona ryder
pause
i still say it’s gotta be the niggers
SAND niggers
or the faggots
gay agenda
child molesters
violent videogames
halflife
there’s only one thing to be done
gentelmen. it’s time
it’s time to save fucking christmas.
gentelmen
it’s time
to Get Your Goddamn War On.
4. HOLY GODDAMN WAR
a manger scene inside a mall. people shopping. small talk and a meeting:
betty!
jane!
it’s been…
at least three years, hasn’t it?
at least!
how’re the kids?
oh, you know kids.
oh, i know.
my oldest is in high school now.
can you believe it?
high school!
oh i know.
they grow up so fast.
my jonny
why
i hardly see him anymore
i know what you mean.
i know.
kids.
and they say things like:
and this one time, well…
but that’s the way it goes…
and i told him…
shopping shopping shopping…
‘tis the season…
you know me…
you know how it is…
yes yes…
well, better keep moving…
food’s in the oven…
you know how it is…
mouths to feed…
good seeing you…
keep in touch…
don’t be a stranger now…
merry christmas…
happy holidays…
they walk away from each other, each pulling pistols from their purses, then turn on cue and riddle each other with bullets. you know how it is. people step over them and around them but continue shopping as santas and anti-santas (including ned) jump out from behind things and drop from above or pop up from below or run on and off with big guns or kitchen knives or popsicles or whatever weapons they can find. almost chaos but no one notices and no one dies (at least not on stage). this is just a chase scene.
5. poetic masturbation
a panel of theatre critics and political analysts with cameras and monitors and film crews and ice cream cones and birthday hats and beer, blowing bubbles and talking very seriously into microphones. they say these things:
the thing is
and you know this is true
it just doesn’t work on the stage
this overly-political
pseudo-postmodern
what your saying is
stick to the basics
or be up front
consider your audience
major accessability issues
and the profanity
there are children in the audience
or could be
and the wanton violence and death
and even this part
the self reference
didactic to say the least
and who really cares?
black and white. good and evil.
sand niggers
ted kennedy
but what really gets to me
it’s the self importance
the sense of superiority
but wihtout offering any solutions
and it’s not really a christmas play after all then is it?
not in the least
or even a holiday play in general
because the holidays are about
what the holidays are about
jesus in the manger
and let’s not forget mohammed
not in a manger of course
or the earth mother or whatever
moses
mickey mouse
sunsets over the frozen lake
reflected in the snow
but it’s just this kind of sentamental
poetic masturbation
bleeding-heart
goddamn soggy
pansie yellow-bellied cowardice
that makes me want to puke
for my god and country
and beat my wife
because that’s my right
after all
and that’s what it means to be free.
and anyway
the guidlines call for sarcasm
satire
farce
slapstick
pies in the face
not litterally of course
and not warm fuzzies
but certainly not this
some sort of allegorical stretch
predictable
ethno-centric
rambling pseudo-play
where next thing you know
everyone will be shot
or will shoot
and the baby jesus
not to mention mohammed
and the earth mother
moses or whatever
will jump out
and hijack the play
fucking terroriests
with dynamite strapped to their chests
like that one movie
and die a martyr or somesuch
as a political statement
sort of
so obscure that no one really cares to decipher it.
so gentelmen.
what i propose
and you know this is true
is that we move first
before the playwright
we have to be preventative
like the doctors
and Get Our Own Goddamn War On.
they all pull out guns and kill each other. Lights.
6. DON’T SAY WE DIDN’T WARN YOU
dramatic lighting. Jesus and/or Mohammed and/or Moses and/or Any Other Religious Figure all jump out with dynamite strapped to their chests. they say things like:
don’t say we didn’t warn you
don’t say it
we so fucking warned you
etc… ned enters and shoots them all. every single one. then sits down and pulls a soda out of a santa sack. he sits center stage and drinks it. then he reaches in the bag for goodies and distributes them to the audience. if he is distributing candy he might say:
NED:
never take candy from strangers.
or he might say something else. or he might say nothing at all but just distribute the candy and leave as the lights go out or come up and the audience begins to talk amongst themselves.